Sub-title: Wise Persons, Pirates and Camels from the East
Summary: Part Two of a five-part Advent series of plays, tracing the journey of the Wise Men.
Style: Light-hearted. (Monty Python-esque) Duration: 7min
Actors: 5M, 4F
Characters:
Lettered Wise Men: Wise Man A, Wise Man B
Wise Pirate Women: WPW1, WPW2, WPW3, WPW4
Really Wise Men: Balthazar, Caspar, Melchior
Script
(Setting: On the road to Jerusalem, trying to find the King of the Jews who has been prophesied.)
[Lights down, spots on stage. ]
[B, C, and M are crossing stage from right towards centre stage. They’re riding ‘camels’ (also known as ‘Cardboard Cut-outs On-Stick’) and looking at a map, muttering amongst themselves. They reach centre stage where a sign-post points towards the Audience. At this point Wise Men A and B proceed from backstage on Stage Left and start walking towards the centre, muttering, checking a pocket-watch and glancing occasionally at the sky.]
Balthazar: [Reading sign, hasn’t spotted WMA & WMB yet] “‘This way lies Jerusalem.’ Oh good, about time we-”
Wise Man A: [Reaching the sign, has spotted B, C, and M] “Oh, hallo you old fellows! Lovely day, aint it?”
Balthazar: [Startled and obviously not feeling very communicative] “Oh! Hello. Yes yes, lovely day.”
[C and M start consulting their map again, muttering something about reliable historical sources etc]
Wise Man B: “So ah, you lot heading towards Jerusalem then?”
Balthazar: “Yes yes, in quite a hurry actually,” [pauses and stretches to full-height, obviously very pleased with himself,] “We’re Wise Men, you see.”
[Wise Men A and B look quite startled]
Wise Man A: “What! No, you’re not!”
[B, C, and M are all shocked]
Caspar: “What do you mean … We’re-”
Wise Man B: “You can’t be!”
Melchior: “Why not?”
Wise Men A and B: “We’re the Wise Men.”
[B C and M all splutter and look angry]
Wise Man A: “We’re from the East, you know, off to find the King of the Jews.”
Melchior: “Good grief! You can’t do that! That’s what we’re doing!”
Wise Man A: [Surprised] “What, you’re from the East and everything as well?” [Aside to Wise Man B] “Bet we’re from further east.”
Balthazar: “Now just hang on. You lot can’t be THE wise men; there are only two of you!”
Wise Man B: “Who says there are supposed to be three?”
Caspar: “Oh come on! Everyone knows that.”
Wise Man B: “I never read that anywhere. I think you’re just making that up!”
Melchior: “Well, at least we’ve got camels!”
Wise Man A: “That’s not a camel! That’s a Cardboard Cut-out On-Stick!”
Caspar: “No it isn’t!”
Wise Man A: “Yes it is!”
Caspar: “No it isn’t!”
Wise Man A: “Yes it is!”
Caspar: “Look! look, his name is Percy. These are a very rare breed of camel - he’s just feeling a bit flat today.”
Wise Man A: “A bit flat!? He’s 2-D!”
Melchior: “Oh look! Now you’ve gone and offended him.”
[All Wise Men pause as the right backstage door crashes open. Wise Pirate Women 1-4 walk slowly in and up to the sign-post. They give the assembled men a cursory glance. All pause.]
Wise Pirate Woman 1: [Suddenly draws sword] “AVAST me hearties!”
[All Wise Men jump and back away]
WPW1: “We be seeking the King of the Jews. Would ye laddies be able to point us in the direction of Old Jerusalem-town?”
Balthazar: “Good grief, don’t tell me you’re wise men, too!”
[Long pause while the WPW look at Balthazar as though he’s got a screw loose.]
WPW1: [Yelling and waving sword] “Do we look like wise men to you?”
[Wise Men start to look relieved but WPW2 bursts their bubble.]
WPW2: “We’re Wise Women!”
WPW3: “Wise Pirate Women.”
Melchior: “...Oh, that is so not allowed.”
WPW1: “Why not?!”
Simultaneously: Wise Man B: “Because you’re Pirates!”
Balthazar: “Because you’re women!”
[it’s acceptable for the Wise Pirate Women to now begin abandoning their fake West Country accents]
WPW3: “Nothing says we’re not allowed to be pirates!”
Wise Man A: “You’re from Cornwall! That’s not East!”
WPW1: “Well it is if you go around far enough.”
WPW2: “And as for the women part....”
[Wise Pirate Women 1, 2 & 3 look at Wise Pirate Woman 4]
WPW4: [Looks up and throws fist in the air]
“EQUALITY AMONGST WISE-PEOPLE!
EQUALITY AMONGST WISE-PEOPLE!
SHAKE OFF THE SHACKLES OF THE PAST!
DOWN WITH REPRESSION AND FEAR!
INDEPENDENCE AND EQUALITY FOR ALL!”
WPW2: “...Never know, the bit about coming from the East could have been a mis-quote.”
WPW3: “And anyway, what are you shabby lot going to do when you get there? We come bearing gifts for the King.”
WPW2: “You’d be surprised what you can find on sinking Roman Galleys these days.”
[WPW 2, 3 & 4 show-off their Frankincense, Gold and Myrrh.]
Balthazar: “Oh, well, we were ah...”
Wise Man A: “Just going to um...”
Wise Man B: “...Going to have a look at him?”
WPW1: [Sniffs] “Well, fat lot of good you lot are. We’re off!”
[Wise Pirate Women start heading briskly down the stage steps towards the back of the church]
Wise Men A & B: “Not without us you aren’t!”
[They follow, waving their arms]
[Wise Men 1-3 are stunned for a shot while then:]
B, C, and M: “Wait for us!”
[all WM run after]
The End. (for now)