Summary: This concerns the aftermath of Abraham entering the covenant with the Lord as in GENESIS 22.
Style: Light-hearted. Duration: 12min.
Actors: 3M
Characters:
Abraham, aged 107 years
Isaac, aged 7 years going on 20 (very precocious)
Senoch, a lawyer, aged 110 years
Script
(Senoch is sitting at the entrance to his tent in the desert. Abraham and Isaac approach. Isaac is carrying a document (stone tablet))
ISAAC
Is that Senoch, the lawyer, Dad?
ABRAHAM
The bedouin’s own barrister. It’s him.
ISAAC
As shifty as the desert sand.
ABRAHAM
I need advice, Isaac. I need advice.
ISAAC
Don’t you trust the Lord then, Dad?
ABRAHAM
I never met him face to face.
ISAAC
I saw him peering over your shoulder when you raised that knife to give me the chop.
ABRAHAM
“Abraham!” spake the Lord, “I was only having you on.” Then he took a sheep instead along with a full- bodied red.
ISAAC
I could have ended up among the roast potatoes. I had to leave a little bit of myself and it still aches down there.
SENOCH (CALLING)
Hi! Abraham and little Isaac. What can I do for you? Sit down.
(ABRAHAM AND ISAAC SIT. )
ABRAHAM
How are you?
SENOCH
What you see is what you get.
ABRAHAM
So, Senoch, you handle property or not?
SENOCH
I’m into everything. How much of it is there?
ABRAHAM
Give him the document, Isaac.
ISAAC (HANDING OVER DOCUMENT)
The Land of Canaan itself. Nothing else.
ABRAHAM (ANNOYED)
Leave it to me, Isaac!
SENOCH (STUDYING DOCUMENT
You’ve done good for an asylum- seeker. Who’s parting with the merchandise?
ABRAHAM
The Lord.
SENOCH (THINKING)
The Lord? The Lord? He’s the guy that did the Flood? Is that right?
ABRAHAM
You heard of the Flood then?
SENOCH
It’s well known. As a disaster it lacked a little imagination.
ABRAHAM
What do you mean?
SENOCH
Well, you take those other gods, like Baal and Molloch. Yeah? They would have piled on the agony more! Let’s face it, the Flood was a little dull! And the dialogue? Nobody talks like that anymore!
ISAAC
I saw a rainbow once on a trip.
SENOCH
The Flood had promise. But what do we get? We get lots of cute little creatures in pairs. No panic. Nothing. The wild animals should have been prowling the ark, snarling and crapping on the deck.
ISAAC
I like the tigers the best. They’re vicious.
SENOCH
And where’s the romance and intrigue! Baal now, would have had them all fighting and cursing, with the tough guy Noah, and his three bully- boy sons grilling the stowaways and tossing them overboard.
ISAAC
And tigers don’t get sea- sick.
ABRAHAM
Is this a lawyer’s tent or a literary agency or what! Just tell me if I’ve come to the wrong place!
SENOCH
OK so I’m only a part-time lawyer. I always wanted to be an entertainer. A singer or tight-rope walker. Something like that. I actually go busking at the various oases when I can.
ABRAHAM
Very versatile.
ISAAC
Whenever there’s a mirage, you’re in it.
SENOCH
Phillistines!
ABRAHAM
Who?
SENOCH
Philistines. Immigrants. They get all the best jobs managing oases. They fleece the buskers but expect free legal advice.
ABRAHAM(IRRITATED)
I’m an immigrant myself! From Ur of the Chaldeas!
SENOCH
You’re different, Abraham. You’re a professional person, like me.
ABRAHAM(MOLLIFIED)
I am?
SENOCH(POINTING AT DOCUMENT)
It says here at the behest of the Lord, you carried out some ritual surgery on yourself and your son.
ISAAC
At my dad’s age his hand is not too steady.
ABRAHAM (ANNOYED)
You’ll feel it at the back of your head!
SENOCH (PRURIENTLY)
What is it exactly? This ritual surgery? I can only guess.
(SCRATCHING HIS HEAD)
It don’t sound right.
ABRAHAM
Why not?
SENOCH
There’s something wrong. There should have been more suffering and conflict. Ennobled by your torment you could have received the title deeds. I would have gone along with that.
ABRAHAM
I’ll ask again. Is this a lawyer’s tent or a literary agency or what! Just tell me if I’ve come to the wrong place!
SENOCH (PRURIENTLY)
As your lawyer I’d better see exactly what happened to you. In that area, I mean.
ABRAHAM (EMBARRASSED)
Where’s your secretary? She can walk in at any time.
SENOCH
She’s doing a translating course. After that Babel Tower thing came tumbling down you know, there’s going to be a lot more work. Now everybody speaks a foreign language.
ISAAC (TRYING TO BE FUNNY, ADOPTING FOREIGN ACCENT)
Everybody should speak like me!
ABRAHAM
They vexed the Lord poking up into the sky like that to get to heaven. There must have been another way.
SENOCH
But what sort of episode is that! you wanted a gruesome punishment to make an impact. Making them all talk in different languages just isn’t good enough and the tower should have fallen on top them because of cheap Chaldean stone.
ABRAHAM (INCENSED)
There you go again, Senoch! Leave Ur of the Chaldees out of it!
- SENOCH
O.K. O.K. I understand. But you got to agree that Tower of Babel business could have been better. You needed crooked contracts and bribery. That kind of thing. Perhaps even a little hanky- panky. Let’s see now (THINKING). Yeah, the chief engineer couldn’t concentrate on his work because of it. Some little cutie drawing water at the well perhaps.
ISAAC (LEERING)
A pitcher on a bare shoulder. That’s where Rebecca Drinks.
ABRAHAM (SMACKING ISAAC OVER THE HEAD)
Stop looking so crazy! And who has ever heard a name like Rebecca!
ISAAC
Nobody. She’s the first.
ABRAHAM
You’re only seven years old.
SENOCH
Relax, now Abe. You’re a hundred and seven. That’s a lot of sand through an hour- glass.
.
ABRAHAM
We’re all getting older.
SENOCH
Yeah, even Methuselah finally snuffed it.
ABRAHAM
I heard.
SENOCH
They say he went downhill quite fast over the last hundred years.
ABRAHAM
Sad.
SENOCH
You been on the camel too long. Get more exercise.
ABRAHAM (PLACATED)
I brought a souvenir. I’ll slip back to the camel. You two must get acquainted.
(SENOCH GRIMACES. EXIT ABRAHAM)
ISAAC
I know what you’re going to say.
SENOCH
What?
ISAAC
Youre going to say,”You’re a big boy now.”
SENOCH
I wouldn’t say that.
ISAAC
Why not?
SENOCH
Because you’re nothing but a little squirt!
ISAAC
I’m bigger than when I was born.
SENOCH
When you were born, your dad was a hundred years old. Did he give a party! I’d not seen anything as wild since Sodom and Gammorah!
ISAAC
I heard what went on there.
SENOCH
It kind of ended abruptly.
ISAAC
With fire and brimstone.
SENOCH
That wasn’t too bad but that old lady turning into a pillar of salt, that was a good touch. I hadn’t heard it done before.
ISAAC
All the Lord needs is a little encouragement.
SENOCH
You got to respect him a little. Zeus now, at a fancy dress party he’d dress up like bull or a swan and go prowling for pussy.
(PAUSE.)
What do you think of all this land you and your dad are getting?
- ISAAC
I’m not the fresh air type myself.
SENOCH
I hope you don’t prefer the indoor abominations.
ISAAC
I’m listening.
SENOCH
You don’t want to hear too much.
ISAAC
No?
SENOCH
I know you got one or two bad habits.
ISAAC (GUILTILY)
I’ve just been up the mountain with my dad. Give me a break!
SENOCH
What! In those sandals!
ISAAC
All the kids are wearing them.
SENOCH
Up the mountain, hey? Your dad, too!
ISAAC
It was all sweaty and hot. The Lord told him to collect firewood. Me for a kebab! Just imagine that!
SENOCH (WISELY)
I can believe it, Issy. These days a lot of business is actually done at barbecues.
ISAAC
Anyway, in the end the Lord was willing to take the roast lamb instead.
SENOCH (ENTHUSIASTICALLY)
The suspense must have been terrific! Imagine that! A father haggling over his son’s life. Out there on the cliff top. Exposed to all the elements with the gleaming blade and crackling blaze. I like it! And all this land falls into your dad’s lap.
ISAAC
And I’m sprung from those loins.
SENOCH
My nose says there might be something for me too.
ISAAC
You got to have more than the nose There’s another qualification.
SENOCH
And what’s that?
ISAAC
There’s another qualification and I can’t show you out here.
SENOCH
Why not?
ISAAC (LOOKING UPWARDS)
There are too many hungry birds up there with good eyesight. They swoop and peck, and I’ve lost enough already.
(THEY ENTER THE TENT AND DISAPPEAR FROM VIEW. VOICES OF:)
SENOCH
My word!
ISAAC
You should see my old man!
(PAUSE)
SENOCH
So? Here’s a knife. I want membership.
ISAAC
Thanks but I don’t need the fork.
(PAUSE)
SENOCH
Ouch! You going blind or something! You cut off my toe!
ISAAC
I lost my way. I’m only seven.
SENOCH (ANGRILY)
You’re not so smart after all! Your old man should have left you up there and taken the sheep!
(ENTER ABRAHAM SOUNDING RAM’S HORN.)
ABRAHAM (LOOKING AROUND)
Where’s everybody?
(HE SOUNDS RAM’S HORN AGAIN. SENOCH AND ISAAC REAPPEAR. SENOCH IS LIMPING.)
Say, what is going on, Senoch? Why are you limping?
SENOCH (POINTING TO RELEVANT AREA)
Your little Issy was giving me that new Hebrew look but lost his way.
ABRAHAM (PROUDLY)
A surgeon and only seven though!
- SENOCH
I want a piece of all this real estate. It’s got a lot of potential.
ABRAHAM
What sort of lawyer are you, Senoch? If you read the contract, it says the offer is only open to me and my seed.
SENOCH
Your seed? What’s with the farmyard jargon?
ABRAHAM
My descendants, you fool!
ISAAC (SMILING)
And I’m one of them.
SENOCH
Can’t you adopt me as your son?
ABRAHAM
Are you crazy! You’re older than I am. Besides Sarah and I were trying for a daughter.
ISAAC
What about me?
ABRAHAM
Well, what about you?
ISAAC (POINTING TO SENOCH)
I don’t want a brother who hops.
SENOCH
Come on, Abe. Let me draw up the adoption materials. It will be on the house.
ABRAHAM (AMUSED)
We’ll see.
SENOCH (GESTICULATING)
I can just see it. Yeah. The making of a great Nation. The triumphs. The disappointments. . The glory of it all and the shame. Tough guys and screwballs. Fistfights and sword- play.! (FEELING INSPIRED) I got a vision coming on. I see a hero!
ISAAC
The one that gets the girl. Like Rebecca.
- SENOCH
Let’s see. This musical shepherd- kid, now, let’s call him Dave. He develops a skill slinging stones at the sheep. When this great big bruiser comes muscling in on the territory, he lets him have it real good with one of his best lumps of rock. With his music, good looks and opportunism Dave is quickly promoted to leader.
ISAAC
Of the band?
SENOCH
Of the nation.
ISAAC
If that’s what he wants.
SENOCH
It’s only a prophecy. Someone else will have to work on it.
ABRAHAM
We’ll find someone.
SENOCH (PROPHETICALLY)
I see another of your tribe emerging. But he should have come earlier than the first.. Prophets are never predictable.
- ISAAC
Let’s hear.
SENOCH
Let’s call him Mose.. They’re in Egypt or somewhere. Exploited real bad. He’s an agitator with a privileged background but gets his followers to bust out in a hurry. They dodge the tsunami that douses the hordes of the Pharaoh. So quick they don’t have time to bake a couple of loaves properly. There’s nothing worse than flat bread.
ISAAC
You should try flat beer.
SENOCH
That’s not all. He goes up this mountain to meet the Big Guy in the sky.
ABRAHAM
You mean the Lord?
SENOCH
Someone like that. He gives our Mose a list of stuff you must not do too much of. You know the kind of thing? The lawyers will pick through all that for generations if the money is right.
ABRAHAM
I’ll expect a discount from you.
SENOCH
There’s a list of naughty things..
ABRAHAM
It’s not for the ears of Isaac, all those things.
- ISAAC
What’s with you, Dad! I know all about the birds and bees and Saturday night, and how one guy begets another guy.
SENOCH
But the rest of the tribe now. I got a scene where the followers are blowing horns as they sweep over the horizon as they flog the holy texts, pillaging and plundering and cursing.
ISAAC
I like it.
ABRAHAM
There’s another thread for weaving in.
SENOCH
Let’s hear this thread.
ABRAHAM
My seed will be as numerous as the stars in the sky and the sands of the earth.
SENOCH
Says who?
ABRAHAM
The Lord.
SENOCH
In a year or two Isaac can start. - ISAAC
No cold showers for me then!
ABRAHAM
Let’s get the nation rolling!
SENOCH
Give us a tune, Abe!
(ABRAHAM SOUNDS THE RAM’S HORN AGAIN. HE PASSES IT TO ISAAC. ISAAC WIPES THE MOUTHPIECE ON HIS TUNIC INSOLENTLY, AND BLOWS.)
SENOCH
For a single seed you sure can blow!
ISAAC
Yeah? Wait until you hear me on the drums!
(SENOCH TAKES THE RAM’S HORN FROM ISAAC AND BLOWS.)
SENOCH
Say, that Garden of Eden Place. Is it still standing empty?
ABRAHAM
I don’t know. The Lord is not too enamoured with his Creation number. He’ll be going for a remake.
THE END IS NIGH
…..................................................
(c) Copyright Harold Kimmel, all rights reserved.
This script may be used free of charge, on the condition that copies are not sold for profit in any medium, nor any entrance fee charged to a performance. In exchange, the author would appreciate being notified of any occasion the poem is used in public performance. He may be contacted at: