Rosie: (Opening mail) Did you sleep well, Richard?
Billy: (Reading a day old Wall Street Journal) Like a top, Pamela. I do believe that new mattress set we purchased is the best we’ve ever owned.
Rosie: Yes, I believe so. It was worth every penny.
Billy: Of course, money was no object.
Rosie: Absolutely not, Dear. Oh my, another invitation. What a bore!
Billy: Not another? Who is inviting us now, Pamela?
Rosie: Oh, it’s from the Pierce-Newtons. They want us to come to their charity ball next Saturday.
Billy: Another charity ball? Didn’t they just have one last month?
Rosie: Yes, Richard, but that was for the Save the Ladybug Foundation. This one is for the Preserve the Pigeons Fund.
Billy: I see. I suppose we shall have to attend.
Rosie: I suppose we shall. We certainly don’t want to offend the Pierce-Newtons.
Billy: No indeed! Nor the pigeons!
Rosie: Will you write the check, Richard, or shall I?
Billy: I can write it, Pamela. (Pulls out checkbook) What is the amount?
Rosie: The invitation says $200.00 per plate.
Billy: So that’s $400.00 then.
Rosie: Oh but, Richard, it’s for such a good cause, and we did send extra for the last benefit. Perhaps we should send a bit more.
Billy: Why not. After all...
Together: ...money is no object.
Rosie: Right and after all, as I always say, if you have it, spend it!
Billy: Right you are, Pamela.
Rosie: Oh dear, now I shall have to decide what to wear. Let’s see, I wore my wine colored gown to the Civic Center Gala last week. The week before that we attended the opening of the Royal Theatre and I wore … Oh, my what did I wear, Richard?
Billy: Let’s see, I believe you wore the Pierre Cardin original with your blue sapphire and diamond necklace.
Rosie: Yes, Richard, you’re right because I was forced to call Tiffany’s for the matching earrings. Remember, dear, I had lost my other pair.
Billy: Yes, Pamela, I remember but I found them in my tuxedo pocket.
Rosie: Ah well, you can never have enough blue sapphire and diamond earrings.
Billy: Yes, that’s true.
Rosie: But I still haven’t solved the problem of what to wear to this upcoming ball at the Pierce-Newtons.
Billy: Perhaps you should just buy a new gown, Pamela.
Rosie: But, Darling, you know how I hate to shop.
Billy: So just call up Harrod’s and have them send you a few gowns to choose from. Then you can keep whatever you like and send the rest back.
Rosie: That’s a wonderful idea, Richard! Of course, they have all my measurements. They can just have some gowns made up and sent to me. After all ...
Together: ...money is no object!
Billy: Right you are, Pamela.
Rosie: Perhaps I’ll have them send some new jewels as well.
Billy: Oh no, Darling, their jewelry is always inferior to Ste. Michel’s in Paris. Call them for your jewelry.
Rosie: Yes you’re right, Richard. I think I’ll call right now.
(Mr. Chambers enters.)
Mr. Chambers: Billy and Rosie! What have I told you about this?
Billy: (Immediate character change) Mr. Chambers! We didn’t think you’d be here this morning!
Mr. Chambers: Obviously! How many times do I have to tell you that this is a theater not a homeless shelter?
Rosie: We ain’t doing no harm Mr. Chambers. Do you know how crowded and smelly it is at that shelter? Some of those guys are bums!
Mr. Chambers: Now listen, Rosie. I can’t have the two of you camping out in my theater! Billy, take that robe off! You too, Rosie! And the wigs! (Rosie and Billy are dressed in old ragged clothes underneath the fine robes) I see you’ve been into the make-up again too. Just look at the two of you. You’ve probably used up a week’s worth of make-up. I suppose you slept here as well!
Rosie: Do you know how comfortable that new bed is?
Mr. Chambers: No, but I’m sure you do! Now listen, because I’m only going to tell you this once more. The two of you are not allowed on these premises. If I catch you here again at any time, I’m going to call the police and have you put in jail.
Billy: Aw, Mr. Chambers, you wouldn’t really do that to a couple of harmless people who are a little down on their luck, would you?
Mr. Chambers: You bet I would. If I let this go on I could lose my job. Then I’d be in the homeless shelter too.
Billy: Aw, Mr. Chambers, we could always show you how to get in here.
Mr. Chambers: (Chasing them off the stage) Out! Out! Out!
Lights out.
......................................................................
Copyright John & Joanne Miller, all rights reserved.
This script may be performed free of charge, provided no charge is
made for entrance or for programmes. In return, the
authors would like to be notified of any performance. For further information
regarding performance rights, they may be
contacted at: joannesmiller65@gmail.com.