Speaking of the Master, I got a note from him recently. He’s ordered a special late night passover supper for 13. Funny thing is he doesn’t need it until a year or so’s time! Talk about forward planning! I wish some of my other customers were as organized! He made it quite clear that this meal is going to be too important to ignore. Humpf! I’d like to be a fly in the soup for that one!
Oh! Please don’t worry. I run a tight ship here – it was just an expression. I’d die of shame if anyone suggested there were flies in the soups I make. That’s probably why I’m so busy, up at the crack of dawn baking and mixing. It’s not dull. I love it – but I do wish my husband would take a bit more interest in the business!
PHONE RINGS:
(Lightly) Ooh! Excuse me, another customer, just wait there, I’ll talk to you in a moment.
PICKS UP PHONE:
Hello, Ophelia’s Kitchen’s. How may I help you? (pause, then conversationally) Peter! How are you, love? How’s the Master? Yes. It is a busy life isn’t it? (Pause) You want some catering done? O.K. just hold on pet, I’ll get my book.
(About to put phone down but is held up by the other person on the line)
What? Urgent. TODAY! The Master wants to feed a hungry crowd. Yes! I know what that’s like – you should see my family when they want to be fed – talk about crowds. My goodness! It certainly sounds like you’ve got a rowdy bunch there! (Laughs) Oh, you’re such a tease Peter, 5000 indeed. No. No. Stop. Peter. Listen love, please - jokes aside. I need to know just exactly how many people I’m to cook for.
(Pause. A look of abject bewilderment). You can’t be serious! You really do want me to cater for 5000 people - today?
(Look at congregation totally shocked)
I’m not sure I can help you, Peter love. You guys wouldn’t have enough money to pay for a job this size, besides I just don’t have the equipment, leave alone the ingredients. (Pause) Yes, I’ll wait dear.
(To congregation - indignant) Would you believe that man! 5000 people today. Not even that scurrilous Greg the pie maker up the road could do it.
(Into phone) Hello – yes I’m here. That you again, Peter? (Pause, then laughs) Oh Peter, that’s very sweet, but 3 fish and 5 loaves would barely feed my family of 4, even if I made fish soup! You can’t possibly feed a crowd on that, but do thank the little boy for offering. Yes, Yes I’ll wait (rolling eyes in frustration).
(To congregation) Just wait 'til I tell you this one. The Master wants me to cater for 5000 people on a hill in the middle of nowhere with a handful of fish and damper. If I could pull that one off – I’d make front page of the Galilee Times - probably win Caterer of the Year. Ah! If only!
(To phone) Oh, you’re back! (listens) What is going on Peter! I can hardly hear you for the noise. What’s happened?
(pause) They’re all eating! WHAT? BUT HOW DID THE MASTER DO THAT? (flustered) IT’S IMPOSSIBLE – Stop joking me around Peter – it can’t be true.
(pause) Matthew, oh Matthew tell me, is Peter telling me the truth? – He is! (pause then incredulous) TWELVE BASKETS! LEFTOVER? BUT THAT’S A MIRACLE!
(confused, shocked, bemused, breathless) Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear. (hangs up phone) Oh dear. Oh dear.
(To congregation) I’m sorry, I have to go. There are twelve baskets of leftover fish and damper that need my attention. (Gets up to go). You would never believe me in a million years!
(Grabs a basket and exits)
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© Michelle Pitman 1998, all rights reserved
This play may be performed free of charge, on the condition that copies are
not sold for profit in any medium, nor any
entrance fee charged. In exchange for free performance, the author would appreciate
being notified of when and for what
purpose the play is performed. She may be contacted at: michelle_pitman@hotmail.com